Girls Night

This week marks the first string of nights that Anil has been working through the evenings (3-11 p.m. shifts), so Maya and I have had girls nights since Monday.

This is the result of tonight's festivities.

Here's what I learned:

a) Baby massage oil makes great baby hair gel.

b) Baby gets mad when playing with hair interferes with her bedtime.

Bedtime, we've learned, isn't so much a parentally imposed time at which we put Maya in her crib to go to sleep, but a time after which she turns from fuzzy and cooing Gizmo into a screamy and scary gremlin. Right now it's at about 8 p.m. So we try to preempt that.

Maya's bedtime routine goes like this: bath, book, bottle, bed. When we follow it and time it right, it's easy, she's happy, and no one cries. And this week I've tried to be on time because no one's here cooking me dinner while I'm putting her to bed, so my Whole Foods oven-ready meals go in at 8 when Maya goes to sleep. I try to start it at 7, and I gauge my timing based on the Seinfeld/Simpsons lineup. Bath and book take place with "Seinfeld" in the background, and she drinks her bottle on the couch with me trying to face her away from the glow of "The Simpsons."

Bailey's decided that he loves bathtime, so while Maya's in her tub, we're both leaning over the edge of the big tub into hers--me and Bailey that is. He wants to lick all the water off of her cheeks and hands, so I'm continually and alternately swatting him away and laughing it off. After bath, we do a little infant massage on the changing table as a way to wind down after all the splashing (she doesn't splash yet but I do). Then we read books, alternating ones from her board book library with the mainstay Goodnight Moon. Then we dim all the lights and head to the couch for the bedtime bottle.

We instituted the bedtime bottle because I was so exhausted by the time Maya used to go to sleep, around 11 p.m., and it was a relief to have Anil be the one to feed her that last time and put her to bed. Even as her bedtime moved earlier though, and I took over the job as Anil cooked, we stuck with the bottle strategy because we know how much milk we can stuff her full of (assuming more full leads to longer sleep) and it's just more straightforward than nursing. Maya literally passes out while drinking the bottle, so it's this wonderfully reliable way of putting her to bed each night with zero fussing when we put her in the crib. [Sidenote: Funny that as I'm typing this I'm watching "The Office" and they're talking about Pam's breastpump.]

Tonight, I pushed the limits with the hair party, so we sped through Goodnight Moon, the final pages being recited by me en route to the couch. She was predictably grumpy as "The Simpsons" were half over by then, so we struggled through some fussing, but inevitably the milk coma ensued, and she's been sleeping peacefully since about 8:30.

Now, I know this is a pretty random segue, but bear with me... I realized tonight that I was watching the series finale of "Ugly Betty"! Literally half way through watching last night's episode on DVR, it dawned on me. I had no idea! No one told me it was ending! And no one's here for me to tell, so I'm telling you, Internet. I'm so sad. It being girls night, I had to watch my favorite show that Anil loves to hate, and as if there hasn't been enough upheaval in my life already, it's over. Probably if I was on full brain capacity I'd have noticed that things were wrapping up awfully nicely lately--Hilda got married, Justin came out, Betty resolved things with Henry, Mark committed, Amanda found her father with the Tweety Bird tattoo. I'm having a kind of self-made montage moment here. What, so I'm a bit emotionally invested; I've been watching since the first episode and TV has long since replaced my pre-pregnant social life--we've talked about this.

I've been relieved that "Lost" is ending this spring, because I've long felt like "Lost" and having a baby are such big commitments in themselves that I don't know how I'd continue to balance them both. Both involve a whole lot of unanswerable questions and really confusing circumstances.

Anyway... our girls nights have been fun, but we're looking forward to having Anil back. Because Maya can only take so much of this:

Marathon Monday

All throughout my pregnancy, my friend Katie and I would muse about this year's Boston Marathon, and stare off into space thinking about how I'd actually have a baby by then. So bizarre to imagine at the time. I had a hopeful vision of myself rocking the sideline with a baby that would be about three months old, so theoretically she'd be able to hold her head up, and she'd be fitting into some of the gratuitous Patagonia items I'd already bought for her.

And I was amazed on Monday--seriously, shocked and awed--that we actually pulled it all off! Maya was an absolute rockstar for Marathon Monday, and I couldn't have been more proud of both of us. After those first two months of near insanity, I feel like we really pulled things together and were this in sync (do you spell it that way as a phrase and not the band?) little team. Anil and I started the day with Maya's first T ride. She took it all in like a champ. Then we had breakfast at Katie's apartment before heading out to Beacon Street to watch the runners. This was the third annual marathon party that Katie threw; she makes a mouth watering brunch and pours mimosas so that we all simultaneously waddle and wobble our way from her Coolidge Corner apartment to the sidelines. She writes a great food blog too--check it out if you want to see what I stuffed my face with. Let me entice you with the words homemade pop tart--YUM.

Check out my Patagonia-adorned family here. I got Maya this baby down sweater jacket because resisting wasn't an option, but lately I've been convinced that I was a tool to buy it because, really, what baby wears a down jacket? Well, mine does! It was perfect. Unnecessary yes, but perfect. She wore her Patagonia fleece booties too. If you ever forget what this jacket looks like on her, you can just look at winter photos for the next three to four years, because she has this exact version in sizes 24M and 3T as well. The 24M one was a gift from her future ski instructor (my friend Betsy, also the manager of the store) and the 3T was a return to the store with a small defect, so I was able to snag it. Good thing it looks so cute on her!

Anil had to go to work shortly after the first runners came by, so I put Maya in the Bjorn, and she slept that way for over three hours! Which also meant that I was standing on those sidelines with her strapped on my chest for three hours--that's equally impressive. Finally I went back to Katie's apartment to regroup, to feed and change Maya, then we all walked back to my part of Beacon Street and had dinner and beers. We walked past all the drunk college kids still hanging out on Beacon Street and I secretly resented all the girls holding beers and wearing skinny jeans, but Maya was being so good and cute that I got over it pretty quickly.

We were all pretty beat by the end of the day. Admittedly, we didn't run a marathon, but we were out and about the whole time that other people were running it. Below is how the day ended, complete with a burger and fries and a Goose Island IPA for one of us. I don't even know how to express how I felt having pulled all of this off, just like I'd fantasized about it being all those months of pregnancy. I think relief might be the most accurate word. I'm not sure I even believed it would go this well during all of those hopeful visions, and in all honesty, even the morning of I was sure I'd last a few hours then retreat home with my crying baby, happy that we did breakfast and at least made an appearance to cheer for the runners. Maya went so far above and beyond--she's my super baby. I'm starting to realize that we're actually leaving Boston, and I'm starting to let myself be sad to leave the friends and traditions we've made here, so it was special to have a day like this. Katie and I are already looking forward to telling Maya about her first Marathon Monday. And I've already recruited my parents to make the trip with us next year. Maya already has the jacket.

The moment that will live in infamy is me seeing a student that I taught at BC running the marathon, and yelling "I had a baby!" while pointing to my chest, as she ran by and waved. She was the one running the marathon; she was almost finished running 24.6 miles, and I was yelling about my baby? For some reason, the thought went through my head that she wouldn't recognize me with this baby strapped to my chest, so I felt the need to point it out; that's my best excuse. I did push during labor for as long as it took some of the faster runners to finish, but I at least kept from yelling out that part.

Turning corners (for now!)

Maya’s imposed a moratorium on napping at home for the past few weeks, so I’ve literally had NO time to make good on my promise to post more to the blog. Above is what she looks like without enough sleep. Or with crazy hair after a bath. Actually she looks a lot more mad with no sleep but I don't take pictures during those times.

But today… today! She’s been asleep in the swing for two and a half hours. I’m in heaven. First things first—I had to do laundry or risk wearing the same clothes for way too long. It’s already been too long, but today is going on waaay too long. Then I had to catch up on Ugly Betty on DVR while uploading a gratuitous amount of photos online so that my parents don’t get the shakes from not seeing recent pics of their granddaughter. Then I actually just sat on the couch for like fifteen minutes watching the end of a show and did nothing else. Amazing.

I’m rushing to try to get something up here now though, and hopefully if this nap thing keeps up, I can make it a routine part of my day again. Maya is 10 weeks old (!!) today, and supposedly her daytime naps are supposed to start “organizing.” I think I got that word from one book or another, and I’m hoping it just means “appearing” or “happening.” In the apartment, anyway. Before these past few days, the only way I could get Maya to nap was by leaving the house and putting her in the Bjorn while I walked around or went to lunch. I know, it’s not such a bad deal for me, because I get to go out and meet up with my new mom friends during the day (and eat too many fries and sandwiches for lunch since I turn to the side while wearing the Bjorn and eat with one hand). But it’s also exhausting, and frustrating to be going from station to station around the house for hours trying to get Maya to sleep so that I can do something, anything, around here, only to have her cry, and cry, when I just want to get something done here. I desperately hope this nap phenomenon sticks around.

I’ve been on solo mommy duty 24/7 for the past three days and nights, so the nap break this morning is extra refreshing and necessary. Anil’s working overnights this week, so as of Tuesday night until, well, today when he wakes up, it’s been just Maya and me. I can’t decide which shift is worse—3-11pm or the overnight shifts of 11pm-7am. I think 3-11 is the ultimate worst, because Anil isn’t here for the evening Bailey walk or for dinner or for Maya’s bedtime, then still has to sleep in the morning and go back to work in the afternoon. I haven’t yet had to juggle all of that on my own, but stay tuned because I will in another week. Overnights are good in that he’s here for dinner, and by that I mean he takes care of dinner and clean up, which is great, of course. But he’s away all night, obviously, then sleeping for most of the day, and in order for us to eat, I’m still taking care of Maya while he’s cooking and doing whatever else in the evening, so there’s no baby break in sight.

I have to admit though, I think it’s getting easier. Crap, did I just jinx everything by saying that? We’ve gotten in the habit of not commenting on anything that’s going well, ever, because it always ruins the streak. We quickly learned to never say, “Wow, she’s sleeping so well!” early on, or “She went to bed really easily tonight!” It was immediately followed by a wail or a squawk. But it’s supposed to be getting easier, right? So it’s not just a fluke, I hope. I know more about my crazy little daughter and am more comfortable, and more rested, 10 weeks in. And Maya is evolving too. She’s been struggling with reflux, and whether it’s the baby Zantac or just that her digestive system is growing with her and evening out, she hasn’t had as tough a time eating as she was for a while there. It’s crazy how sudden a change can seem though. I mean, last Friday I called the pediatrician crying because she was screaming so hard (seemingly from reflux), and I couldn’t get her to sleep or eat (maybe the lessening reflux is a result of them upping her dose of Zantac after that phone call!). But she’s also sleeping noticeably more, or at least more reliably, and definitely more during the day, this week. I’ve heard again and again that you have to learn not to stress about things too much, because they change so quickly. It’s crazy to see it in action though. Yesterday she napped in my friend's swing for two hours, so I tried my luck at home again today, and hallelujah!

You know what though... I'm hearing noises emanating from the swing now though that would make a third grader giggle (okay, it makes me laugh too), so I imagine Maya's either waking herself up, or will soon realize that she has a load in her diaper and that she's really unhappy about it. See? I knew I'd jinx it by recognizing my good fortune. But that doesn't take back the sweet sweet time I had this morning.

This is from the last time Maya napped in the swing at home, literally two weeks ago! I put the teddy bear there for her to feel and she fell asleep holding it. Ridiculously cute; I fell on the floor and melted.

What Anil and I have in common with great danes

Eight weeks out, I think I officially have to give up the "I still have water weight" to lose excuses. I have like twenty pounds to lose--I'll just put it right out there. I don't think I look like it. All the weight that was concentrated in my belly has distributed itself nicely and proportionately so that if I'm standing up straight and wearing the right clothes, you can't tell that I have a giant spare tire around my midsection. I'm not worried about it. I just had a baby, so duh, I'm going to have pounds to shed. What's funny though, to me not him, is that Anil gained pregnancy weight too. We could both stand to lose about twenty pounds, if we're being honest. And the kicker was a few weeks ago when we were at our friend Andrew's house to see his new puppy. A friend of his brought over her giant grate dane, and it came up in conversation that this great dane actually weighs in at my pre-pregnancy weight, about 135 pounds (when I say I have twenty to lose I'm hoping to also shed those extra five I was carrying around from grad school last year). So the girl goes, "That's nothing, his dad weighed closer to 175 pounds!" And Anil goes, "That was my pre-pregnancy weight!" Awesome.

I snagged this photo from my friend Andrew's Facebook page--the little one is his dog Koda. The big one is me before I got pregnant.

uh oh, what do we do now?

First of all, is anyone still checking this site to see if I'm ever going to write again? I hope so. I'm determined to get back to it.

Maya is 8 weeks old this weekend. And it marks a new era because for the first time, Anil and I are on our own up here. Both of my parents were in Boston for the first month, then my mom stayed with us in our apartment for this past month. That wasn't the original plan, but we were so overwhelmed with the labor and c-section aftermath and general insanity of a new baby that we looked at Anil's work schedule for March and thought it would really help to have my mom here to help me out some more. It was a huge help; not only did I get to avoid going to the grocery store or Target for another month, but she stayed up with me when Maya was struck with reflux all night and bounced her on the yoga ball for endless hours. She also babysat so that Anil and I could go out to dinner a few times, which was a huge treat.

She flew back to Florida today, though, and while it was not only helpful but also just a really nice, unique experience to have my mom here with me, with my new daughter, Anil and I are ready to jump into this on our own now. We inaugurated this next step by driving out to Marblehead, on the north shore of Boston, this afternoon. Anil wanted to see the ocean, and we'd gone there almost a year ago, on our anniversary, so we sought out the same park with the lighthouse, overlooking the rocky shoreline. Anil packed up a cooler with a Belgium beer to split and cheese and crackers that we had around the house, and even though it was in the 40's and windy, we had a picnic and toasted to our crazy new life together. We had Maya bundled up in her down-insulated Patagonia bunting and the Baby Bjorn (two items I've gotten endless use out of lately). Even though at one point we looked at each other and asked, "Who does this? Who takes their 8 week old baby outside when it's this cold and has a picnic by the water?" Well, we do. And we like it. And Maya liked it too (trust me, she makes it very clear when she isn't happy).

almost 6 weeks later...

We're all starting to smile now that Maya's going on 6 weeks old!

There have been a million times that a line or two have come into my head that I wanted to remember to post here when I finally got back to the blog. Of course, I've forgotten them all. When I say lines, it's because my head doesn't work in paragraphs any more; it prefers single sentences. Fragments even. Some of them even make sense.

I want to just write and write and end up with a novel of a post about labor, about the first week home, about how things started clicking after the third week, about all of the elastic pants that I've never appreciated more, about the parents that I've never appreciated more, about how many places Maya has been in the past two weeks and how proud of us I am ... but let's face it; I'll never get around to all of that. So while Maya is asleep in her baby sling on my chest and my computer is on my lap and Law & Order is on TV, I'll see what I can put down here.

So... labor. Insane. In the days after it, Anil and I promised each other that we wouldn't let labor amnesia make us tell people that it "wasn't that bad." It was. But it does feel far away now, and I don't want to gratuitously rehash it. Here's a highlight reel: I woke up around 3 a.m. with contractions that were notably not anything like the strong menstrual cramps that other people report. We figured out later that I was having back labor because M was facing sunny side up, so it was really intense from the start. By 9 a.m. my contractions were less than 5 minutes apart, and I was ready for an epidural, so we headed to the hospital. I was admitted, and after about one minute of deliberation, was ready for that epidural. And it was fabulous. Just fabulous. I was progressing quickly, was comfortable and happy, and Anil and I relaxed and psyched ourselves up for a few hours. We played music and patted ourselves on the back for a job well done. We had every expectation that things would continue to go smoothly and we'd have a baby that afternoon.

But then... I pushed for three hours. People run marathons in that time--just keep that in mind. The first hour, I thought it was gonna happen. The second hour, I realized it probably wasn't, and the epidural had worn off (I don't know if it wore off completely, but I was in absolute agony). The third hour, the doctor said she still thought it could work, and they upped my epidural so I stopped cussing like a sailor. But then the doctor felt a bruise forming on the baby's head and could tell that she was stuck enough that she wasn't going to budge--she was just getting pressed against my pelvis again and again (sorry Maya, for three hours).

We went to C section, and honestly, I was relieved. Pushing was much harder than I expected, mentally and physically, and I was just glad for it to be over and for us to get our baby out. Plus I didn't have a choice--she was stuck, and they'd done absolutely everything to not have to go that route.

There are lots of details and ups and downs of that whole ride--the C section, the recovery, the hospital... but I just don't feel like going into them all now. Maybe later. It was hard. People were nice though. I was lucky to have a good recovery. It's done.

Coming home was another roller coaster. Adjusting to having a newborn, navigating hormones, going from wanting my parents to come just for lunch to wanting them to stay and never leave, sleeping in two hour increments, not sleeping in two hour increments. The first three weeks were crazy tough.

But we turned a corner after that. Maya started sleeping longer at night, so we didn't have to rotate staying up on the couch with her till 2-3 a.m. until she was ready to really go to sleep (i.e. not on someone). I started feeling better physically from the C section recovery, so we could go out a little more. I started a new moms group. We tried things like lunch out, brunch (new favorite--M is most sleepy in the morning and I can have a drink without being so tired from the day and impending night).

Other highlights? Maya has just started smiling--super cute. Anil was calling her the brain stem at first, and I think she's starting to grow out of that nickname. Her hair is amazing and so much fun. It turns golden after a bath. I've never been so tired, but that's getting better as she sleeps more at night and has a so-far pretty steady pattern of sleep, so the anxiety of "how much will we sleep tonight?" has dissipated. Basically, all of the insanity and uncertainly and, let's be honest, awfulness of the first few weeks home will go undocumented because I wasn't functional enough to write a post-it note, let alone a blog post. And now that we've come out the other end, I don't feel like revisiting it all. And does anyone even want to hear about the bad stuff or the really hard stuff? I'm not sure. For now, I don't feel like writing about it.

This is the most coherent train of thought I think I've had in at least five weeks, so I'm going to stop while I can (and not read through what I just wrote for fear that it wasn't coherent at all). Here are some photos to show M's journey through the past five weeks!

Week one, at home, little M

2 weeks old, my new Valentine

3 weeks, starting to have some fun

4 weeks, our little punk

5 weeks old, it's good to be here

Maya Margaret Shukla

She's here! Born Saturday, January 30, 2010 at 9:11 p.m.

7 lb. 8 oz. and 19 1/4 inches

and a ton of hair.

I'll post more later--too tired to do much more for now! Maya is perfect. Labor was tough... I had a full labor, three hours of pushing, then went to c section because she was just stuck and wasn't going to make her way out. So I kind of had two labors. We were in the hospital until Thursday after that, and everyone at Beth Israel was beyond wonderful in helping us from labor through postpartum recovery. We're figuring things out at home as we go. More soon... when I'm more functional. She's been more than worth the wait.